May 03, 2002

Mother's New Patio
It seems to me that when your growing up, especially in your adolescent years, you always think that your own parents are weird and all of your friends' parents are normal. Later in life the truth comes out -everyone's parents are weird. My girlfriend sent me this the today:

"hahhahahahahahhahahhahaha! i just had to share this with you. my mom is so
IRRITATING (not to mention WEIRD)!!! my sister is obviously at the end of
her rope. she isn't exaggerating either--i have received approximately six
or seven emails regarding the god damned new patio. She spends these enormous
amounts of cash on things like this, give us daily updates on them, but
then does something like puts .50 cents into her grand daughter's college fund. I gotone email a couple of weeks ago and the subject header was "concrete." AND
she always signs her emails/letters "Mother" even though both my sister and I
call her 'mom'. IRRITATING!!! Oh Oh!!! *And* my mom always expects us to
respond--let me tell you, it is trouble if you don't respond. How do you
even go about responding with any level of sincerity to an email with the
subject header of "concrete"???"
Poo Haiku

Awesome! My Poo Haiku was published in the March 2002 issue of Crappers Quarterly last month. It goes like this:

fork in my toilet,
big soft tasty brown morsel,
for you, and for me

Check out Crappers Quarterly here:

August 17, 2001

The Real Cleveland Steamer

July 06, 2001

i read dead russion authors, volumes at a time, i write everything down except what's on my mind, cause my greatest fear is that sucking sound, and then i know i'll never get back out, and there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink, in a crowded room where the glasses clink, and i'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep, because that keeps me from falling asleep....

June 29, 2001

Cool! A Tax refund
In a few weeks the Bush administration will begin mailing out tax rebate checks to millions of households across the country. To kick it off, they are spending at least 20 million dollars to send us a letter in which Bush takes credit for the refund.

June 19, 2001


I saw this and it made me laugh. It's is a link to a site called "Teen Pop Sucks". They have started a campaign against "teen pop". I couldn't make it passed the first sentence, so as you might gather, I won't be joining this mis-informed campaign:
"For the past two and a half years, the entire world, and America specifically, has been in the throes of the Teenybopper driven world of Pop Music. Whether it's boy bands like the BSB, N Sync, 98 Degrees, C-Note, Hanson, blah, blah, blah....."

First of all, the entire world has been in the throes of teeny bopper driven music since the Beatles played on the Ed Sullivan show. This isn't something that's occurred in the last 2.5 years. This teeny-bopper driven music inlcludes, in chronological order, the Beatles ( atleast the first album), the Jackson 5, Bee gees, Kiss, Journey, Abba, Third Eye Blind, and the last two albums of the Smashing Pumpkins. Yes -the smashin Pumpkins, who the makers of "Teen Pop Sucks" have chosen as there icon. Do i need to remind you of the queer-ass video that won the MTV "video of the year", where the members of the band are all floating around with Mary-fucking-Poppins umbrellas and shit -how gay is that?

Here aresome of the bands that they endorse -I've highlight those bands that could qualify as Teen-Pop are:
"The Beatles, Sloan, Beck, Aimee Mann, Supergrass, Travis, Elliot Smith, Frank Zappa, The Monkees, The Beach Boys, Oasis, Tori Amos, STP, Smashing Pumpkins, The Who, The Clash, The Doors, David Bowie, T Rex, Led Zeppelin, The Mamas and the Papas, Duran Duran, Manic Street Preachers, CSNY, Bob Dylan, John Lennon, Blur, Radiohead, 311, Nancy Boy, Fiona Apple, Jewel, Spacehog, The Cure, Sean Lennon, Cibo Matto, Foo Fighters, Nirvana, REM, Jimi Hendrix, and The Trainspotting Soundtrack."

June 18, 2001

Today's my brother-in-law's B-Day. So, I wrote him this b-day song -(I think it's excellent):

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Biotcha
Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you
you are a gay jew
you eat lot's of Matza
and you smell like brown pooh.

Happy birthday to you
you sniff lot's of glue
You love Kenneth Cole
and you forgot to wipe your B-hole-hole

June 15, 2001

Pony Tale
A good freind of mine bar-backs once a week just so he can experience this:
"I was in the bar last night and this chick with long brown hair in a pony tail wanted a drink, she had on a white tube top riding right over her chest, bare shoulders and since her hair was up she looked sharp, so I punched her in the nose and pulled her into the bar. No,no. I talked her up and her name was MARY. Anyway, she was so cool, especially for being so hot, that I just wanted to take her to a church and get hitched up.

Then about ten minutes later it hit me, I realized that she is the same girl that has come into the bar on Thurdsay for like the past four weeks in a row or even longer and I didn't recognize her because her hair was up. I think that was the third time I have met her, but she gets so drunk I think she forgets she has met me before. Her ass is like a brick. "